Here it is. My life out in the open. But why not. Growing up I was the classic ‘Good Girl’ did everything right, always doing the right thing, scared of breaking the rules. But then I went to high school… My school was based in town so there were heaps of influences around me- drugs, alcohol and sex was everywhere. But I had never denied Jesus in my life through it all. I got into the wrong influences. Boys, smokes, truth and dare,silly things like that. I never really enjoyed it. Mucking around with a rugby ball seemed more fun sometimes. We would all backstab each other and say mean things, all trying to fit in. In 2009 my cat died. He was run over by a car. It was the first experience of death i had ever had in my life. And death is a horrible experience. After that happened, I started to feel down a lot more. I wasn’t as happy. I spent a lot of time in my room crying, for something I couldn’t even fully pin point. I would cry myself to sleep a lot. I felt like there was a grey cloud continuously surrounding me, refusing to let me be happy. I would think “A Christian doesn’t feel this way, a Christian doesn’t get depressed. Be happy.” I went on-line to find a quiz to see if i was depressed. I came across a site that said if you answer 3 or more questions of these with ‘yes’, you are depressed. I answered 7. One night while I was crying, I looked up and there was a demon crouched at the end of my bed. Whether you believe in demons or not, I know what I saw that night. I wasn’t scared though. I just thought “Wow. I’m so bad I’m seeing demons now.” A thought came into my head saying “Why not just end yourself? No one would care” As soon as I heard that, it was as if I woke u.! I knew in my heart of hearts how many people cared about me. I knew i had to get back to myself and not let myself go down that road. I started going back to church. Getting back into things- my family, talking about it, moving forward. No-one really knew what i had gone through because i hid it so well, but now i have an experience that can relate to more people. I got out of the wrong crowds moved away from bad influences. I read my bible more and worshipped with my whole heart. I let go of the bad experiences and started changing them to good. In September 2010 we had our first earthquake, 7.1. Damaged my home and my school but not to bad. We were fixable and continued on. No one died in my home town and we were all so thank-ful and we all moved on. Little did we know that everything was about to be tipped upside down. Feb 22, 2012. 6.4 magnitude earthquake hits at 12.51 pm. My brother, mum and myself were in the city center that day. Where 185 people died. I had to be strong, saw things I never wanted to see and had to remind myself i wasn’t watching a film, that this was reality. For the months following that i switched roles with my mum, i became stronger, didn’t let myself break because i knew my mum and brother needed me. I didn’t get the chance to be a scared kid i had to be the strong parent and it took its toll. And thats why I cry when i remember it, yes for the reasons that it was horrible and many tragic deaths occurred but also because a little piece of me died that day inside that city center. School was hard for that year but I pushed myself and gained NCEA LVL1 against all odds. I decided that for 2012 i would get closer to god, push into him more and more and really truly give myself to him, and all of me, holding nothing back. I started to deal with a battle i never thought that i would have to… anorexia. I started weighing myself every chance i possible could trying to lose more and more weight, to have the flat pretty stomach every second of every day, food started to look gross because no matter how good it tasted the thought of it making my stomach made me want to throw up. I decided at encounter camp to give that battle to god and no longer try to fight it myself and in a awesome deliverance session that sprit was gone. Now here I am, sitting at home writing this up on my laptop. Its Feb 2013 and so much has happened. Church has slowly slipped away, so have the people. But i’ve also gained new people into my life, new experiences I never thought I would have. And I may not be in the best posible place for me, I’m actually feeling alive, and thats a feeling I haven’t had in a while. I feel less empty. It feels good.
But thats the story so far.